


I Will Follow You into the Dark

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Amanda Doesn't DIe, Angst, M/M, Movie Redo, Post-Star Trek (2009), Romance, Spock and Jim, Winona loves her son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-07-23 22:07:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20015536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Basically this is a redo of the events of the 2009 movie. In my version, Jim and Spock are the couple, Amanda is rescued, and Winona is a decent mother.





	1. Chapter 1

Jim’s heart pounded as he ran to the docking bay where the ships waited. He ran ahead of Bones, straight to where the commander with the list stood. The guy glanced at Jim.

“Cadet Kirk. The Farragut.”

He frowned. “What? There must be some mistake. I should be on the Ent—”

“Nope. No mistake, Kirk. The Farragut. Next—”

Jaw tightening, Jim rushed over to where he saw Spock standing. “Commander—”

“Cadet.”

He looked around, aware of the crowd of officers and cadets running around them, and lowered his voice. “Spock. Why am I on the Farragut?”

Spock straightened. “I thought, given our personal relationship, it would be best to—”

“But.” Jim took a deep breath. “I want to be on the Enterprise with you. Vulcan’s in trouble. I want to be where you are. I could help. Please.”

“I do not wish to worry about you.”

“You won’t have to. Spock, this is what we _all_ train for. I’m good.”

Spock looked down at his PADD and pressed a few buttons. “Very well, Cadet. You are on the Enterprise.”

He tried to get Spock to look at him, but he wouldn’t. “It’s going to be okay, Spock.”

“Just…be safe. That is how you can best help me right now.”

Jim nodded as Spock hurried off in another direction.

Bones walked up to Jim. “You on the Enterprise now?”

“Yeah. He’s freaked out.”

“Can you blame him, kid? That distress signal.” Bones grabbed his arm. “Come on, kid. Let’s move.”

****

It seemed like weeks, years maybe, but Jim knew, in reality, it was just days and only a few of those. He was back on Earth, feeling every bruise, every strained muscle, every punch to a part of his body. He still felt the Romulan’s fingers tightening around his throat, leaving new bruises over the ones left by Spock. But none of it was close to what Spock felt. Jim knew.

He first checked on Spock’s parents. They were as well in their temporary lodgings on Earth as they could be under the circumstances. Both exhausted and grieving. In unimaginable pain. Amanda had cried when she’d seen all the damage done to Jim, had begged him to be treated, but he had deflected as he always did. Reminding her that what she’d just been through, her and Sarek, was far worse than a few bumps and bruises to him.

They’d almost lost Spock’s mom, Jim almost had, but he’d been able to grab hold of her at the last moment before she fell to her death. At least Spock had been spared that.

But his planet and all those Vulcans and other species on the planet—

“Spock?”

Jim had approached Spock from behind, while he stood at a window at HQ, overlooking the San Francisco Bay. He’d been directed by others to find Spock there. Since returning to San Francisco, Jim had not seen Spock. He was surprised to see Spock still wore his Starfleet uniform, though it was splattered with all kinds of fluids and debris. It was beyond washing, Jim thought, but did not say so. The fact that Spock still wore it, had not cleaned up, was telling, as Spock was meticulous normally. Someone should be taking care of Spock, seeing to all that, but Jim wasn’t even sure if he was the one to be doing that now. He wanted to offer, but…it was still a little raw to get away from the naked murderous fury he’d seen in Spock’s eyes not that long ago as he clearly intended to kill Jim.

Spock stiffened visibly when Jim spoke. “I am not appropriate company at present, Jim.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat that didn’t seem to want to go away. And it hurt to swallow. It did, but Jim wasn’t going to do anything about it. “Okay. I’ll…I’ll go away in a second. I just…your parents are all right. I have them settled in Starfleet housing for now. Your mom’s resting and your dad is meditating.”

When Spock did not respond, Jim went to turn away, but then stopped.

“Is there…what can I do?” Jim took a step closer, close enough to touch Spock, but not doing so. He’d learned earlier on the ship touching Spock when he was like this was not wise.

“You have already done it. I appreciate that you saw my parents settled. And the…elders.”

But not the one Jim had seen get crushed in the cave when they’d gone to rescue them. Spock’s mom had told Jim that he’d been a teacher of Spock’s that Spock had admired. So many gone, so many taken by Nero. His own loss, that of his father, seemed small compared to everything else. There were worse things than growing up without a father. Jim had learned that all too well.

“You-you’re welcome.” He turned away.

“Jim.”

“Yeah?”

“You have received medical attention for your significant injuries?”

He hadn’t. Bones had bugged him, but Jim had put him off. And now Jim needed to shower, dress, and get to the ceremony where they planned to give him a medal for all this. For what, anyway? Not being able to save Vulcan. But Earth, yeah, they still stood on Earth.

“Yeah,” he lied. Because he didn’t feel like saying he hadn’t seen anyone and in the end, in Spock’s current state, he doubted Spock cared as much as he was supposed to, and for some reason, Jim felt like Spock had asked because it was what you were supposed to do for your significant other. If they still were. Which, well, Jim wasn’t even sure about that.

Pike had told him that Spock was offering his resignation. He intended to help establish a colony to rebuild the Vulcan race and anyway, what could Jim say about that? Spock hadn’t even asked him what he’d thought or even mentioned it. He’d heard it from Pike.

Spock didn’t say anything else so he left him standing looking out at the bay and left to get ready for the ceremony.

On the way to it, cleaned up and once more dressed in his cadet reds, he heard his name called.

“Jim! Jim!”

He stopped and turned, just barely catching his mother as she flew into his arms.

“Thank God!”

And she felt good, holding him this close, and he realized, that after everything, all that he’d been through just now, no one had offered him a hug, not one single person. He hugged her close, tears stinging his eyes.

“Hi Mom.” He choked on the word because he’d been about to become little again and call her Mommy, which for his age would have just been ridiculous. She didn’t seem to notice his little flub and instead held him tighter, he guessed, giving him time to get himself together.

She pulled back after about five minutes, and honestly he wished she hadn’t, but he understood they couldn’t be hugging all day, and she put her hand on his face. “You look terrible. What have they done to you?”

He shook his head. “I’m okay.”

“You saw a doctor?”

Technically, he’d seen Bones a few times after, not for treatment, but still it couldn’t exactly be considered a lie to say, “Yeah. I’m fine. Just bruised and battered. But alive.”

She smiled through tears. “Yes. No thanks to these idiots. What are they doing taking a bunch of cadets out there to fight a megalomaniac like Nero?”

“Well—”

“I know.” She sighed. “You saved the Earth. I read the report. It’s just…if he’d have cost me my son in addition to…never mind.” She kissed his cheek. “I’m glad you’re okay. I got here as soon as I heard. Spock’s not with you?”

“No. He’s-he’s having a difficult time.”

“Oh. Of course he is. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. How are Amanda and Sarek?”

“As well as they can be. I have them in lodging provided by the Federation.”

She nodded. “I’ll go check on them later, after the medal ceremony.”

“They shouldn’t…this is all too much, you know?”

“Sometimes after such horrible tragedy, we tend to want something to celebrate, honey. And I’m afraid you’re caught up in that.” She touched his cheek once more and stepped back. “And you are a hero, whether you want to be or want to admit it. We need heroes, Jim.”

“Okay,” he agreed, then linked his arm with hers, taking her with him to where the arena was, where the ceremony was being held. 


	2. Chapter 2

“That was fantastic!” His mother exclaimed as they walked out of the arena together. “I’m so proud of you.”

Jim smiled faintly. “Thanks.”

“I’m still pissed that they put you out there in the first place. What were they thinking?”

“That we were all they had, Mom. The majority of the fleet—”

“I read the report. And they lost a lot of promising young cadets too. It’s still run by a bunch of arrogant boys.”

“Mom.”

She sighed and reached to straighten his collar. “But a captain. And the Enterprise. That’s something else, isn’t it?”

“It sure is. It’s crazy, is what it is.” He grinned back at her. “I just hope I’m ready for all this.”

“I have no doubt that you are. Let’s go have a celebratory dinner. Right? You deserve it. My treat.”

Jim could not deny he was pretty hungry and it was nice to think _someone_ wanted to spend time with him. All his friends had dispersed to do their own thing, whatever that was, they’d all been given some time off, so yeah, Jim got it, and then of course, Spock, well…yeah.

“That sounds great. Thank you.”

And just then walking down the corridor from where they stood, Jim spotted the older Spock from Delta Vega.

“Hey, Mom, you know there’s someone I need to talk to, can I catch up with you later for dinner?”

“Sure. I want to check on Amanda and Sarek anyway. Meet at Giuseppe’s later.”

“Great. Thanks, Mom.” He waved at her and ran after the old Vulcan. “Spock! Hey. Spock.”

Ambassador Spock turned to face him. “Jim! What an unexpected surprise.”

Jim nodded, breathless, waiting a moment to catch his breath. He hadn’t been breathing totally right since Nero’s ship. “Are you all right? You know. After everything?”

“I am as well as I can be, Jim.” Spock searched Jim’s face. “You are quite peaked. I would like to inquire after your health as well.” His gaze dropped to Jim’s throat. “The Romulans?”

“Right. And I’m okay. Just really tired, mostly.”

“And it’s no wonder. Have you gotten any rest at all since returning?”

“Some,” Jim lied. “It’s been kind of hectic.”

“I imagine.” He touched Jim’s hand with his own before Jim had a chance to avoid it, which he would have, because Jim was well aware of the touch telepathy, and we have known Spock’s intent. Spock’s eyes narrowed. “Not just the Romulans caused those injuries.”

“Let it go.”

“Jim, when I spoke of getting me to show my emotional compromise, it was not my intention to put you in harm’s way or to interfere in your relationship with Spock.”

“It was nothing, really. Okay? He just flipped out a little. I went overboard with goading him talking about all the losses on Vulcan.”

Spock’s lips thinned. “Jim—”

He shook his head. “You’re not leaving, are you?”

“Tomorrow, yes. I will be leaving to help with establishing a colony for those of us that remain. But today? There is someone I must have a word with.”

“Did you want to have dinner with my mother and me?”

“I wish I had the time, honestly. I do not. Jim, do me a favor and make it an early dinner. I would like to see you get the rest you are so clearly lacking.”

“I’ll try,” Jim said vaguely.

“Where is Spock?”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t know, really. Last I saw him he was at HQ. Kind of out of it.”

“Then you have not talked?”

“A few words.” Jim straightened. “I should be going myself. I won’t keep you from whatever you need to do. Just…can I ask you one question?”

“Of course.”

“Where you come from, were we…you and I…were we…?”

“Yes, Jim. Admittedly far later than you and Spock. We did not meet at the Academy, let alone establish a relationship then.”

Jim frowned. “When?”

Spock smiled slightly. “I think that I have given you all the information I should.” He held up his hand in the ta’al.

“Nope.” Jim shook his head. “That’s not going to cut it, old man.” He pulled the old Vulcan close, embracing him. Then he stepped back. “It wasn’t your fault, you know that, don’t you?”

“I was the one who advised you to compromise—”

“No. Not that. What Nero did. The loss of his planet in your time. You tried to help them.”

“And failed. Quite miserably.”

“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t cause the star to destruct. You were trying to help and it was too late. But that’s not on you. And none of what he did, not the Kelvin, not Vulcan, none of that is your fault, Spock. It’s all on Nero.”

“If you say so.” He held up his hand in the ta’al again. “Live long and prosper, Jim. Peace and long life, T’hy’la.”

“Hey. What’s that—?” But Ambassador Spock was walking quickly away. And out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Uhura. He hurried after her.

“Uhura.”

She stopped, turned, and looked at him. Her eyes were red rimmed and wet.

“What is it?”

“Gaila was on the Farragut, Kirk. She didn’t make it.”

“God. I’m sorry.”

She hugged herself. “So many, you know? A bunch of my friends didn’t make it. If not for hearing that transmission, we wouldn’t have either.”

“But you did. You heard it.”

She nodded. “And you knew what it meant. I heard you got the Enterprise.”

“I did.”

“I’ll be on there too. Again.” She bit her lip. “What about Spock?”

Jim shook his head.

“Give him time. He’s really hurting.”

“I know. I am. It’s just…”

“What?”

“Pike told me he’s leaving Starfleet. I guess to be with the other Vulcans.” Jim blew out a breath. “I don’t know. He hasn’t told me anything. I guess that’s the answer to my question.”

“Question?”

“Whether the two of us are still together.”

Uhura frowned. “But…I mean, he’d tell you if you weren’t, right?”

“I don’t know. I think I hear him loud and clear.” He looked past her to the exit. “I need to go. I’m meeting my mom. And I’m sorry about Gaila. I really liked her.”

“Me too. Tomorrow some of us are getting together for a little memorial for those that died. Our fellow cadets. It’s at two in the Quad at the Academy if you want to come.” She paused. Smiled just a little. “Captain.”

“Yeah. I’ll be there. Thanks.”

He rubbed the tightness in his chest and headed for the exit, ready to meet his mom.


	3. Chapter 3

They got a table at Giuseppe’s in the back of the restaurant, close to the kitchen, but Jim didn’t mind, because it had been where they’d sat before, all those years ago, and he was pretty sure his mom had done it on purpose.

“It’s been years since I’ve been here,” she declared as she picked up the menu. “I even wondered it if it was still here. Everything changes so fast. Are you going to have a drink?”

Jim thought about it but shook his head. “I think I’ll stick to iced tea or something. My head’s still really fuzzy and I’m so damn tired, I don’t think adding booze to the mix is a good idea.”

“Hmm. What did the doctor say, anyway?”

“You know.” Jim waved his hand vaguely.

She narrowed her eyes. “James Tiberius, are you lying to your mother?”

“Well. I’ve just been busy. And anyway, you can see that I don’t have severe injuries.”

“Except all those bruises around your neck.”

“Just a bit of soreness. What are you going to get?”

His mother sighed. “Do you know you’ve been like this since you were a tiny boy? Never did want me to tend to your boo-boos. And when you came back from Tar…that place, you didn’t want to deal with that either.”

“Lots of people came away from there a lot worse than I did.” Jim paused. “Or not at all.” He didn’t add her own husband being one of them.

After Sam left, and Jim lost the car over the cliff, Frank had taken Jim to Tarsus IV. He had a sister that lived there with her family. Eventually Jim’s mom was to join them there. It was supposed to be a new start for them, or so they’d all said. In the end, of the group of them, it had only been Jim and Frank’s sister’s son, Kevin, who got out alive. The rest perished at the direction of Kodos.

Mom got quiet for a moment, her gaze sliding over the content of the menu. The waitress arrived and Jim ordered iced tea and his mom coffee.

“Remember when we came here last? Well.” She paused. “Not the very last time. That was right after you returned and even then you wouldn’t eat much.”

Jim nodded.

“The time before that. It was you, me and Sam then.”

He smiled faintly. “Yeah. We got the biggest pizza they had and a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs.”

She laughed. “And garlic bread. Spumoni for dessert.”

“Sam threw a meatball at me.”

“Yeah.” Her gaze moved away, out to the rest of the restaurant. “Think he’s okay?”

“Sam?” Jim shrugged. “Maybe. He always did seem to land on his feet. He’s probably out there somewhere without ever a thought to us.”

“Mmm.” She put down her menu. “I think I’ll have the fettuccine alfredo. All that cream sauce is terrible for me, but why not indulge? My baby is alive, and surely, that’s something to celebrate.”

He rolled his eyes at the baby. “I’m going for the spaghetti alla puttanesca.”

“Look at you, all fancy now. No more simple pizza for you.”

He laughed. “Well.”

After they ordered, his mom put her chin on her hand. “First time I came here was with your dad.”

“Yeah?”

“Ages ago, obviously. Back in our academy days, so we were babies then. And neither you nor Sam were even on our radar.”

“Bet you were cute.”

“George definitely was. When I first met him, he was seeing a classmate named Pamela Wenton. I hated her, of course.”

Jim laughed. “Of course.”

“Well, she had what I wanted. Or who.”

“I get it. I do. When I first met Spock he was dating Uhura.”

His mom snorted. “Oh, goodness. She was never right for him. He’s clearly interested in males.”

“Sure, but I am too.”

“ _Only_ males. I don’t know what that girl was thinking.”

“That he’s insanely hot and extremely fascinating.” Jim grinned.

“Yes, dear.” She patted his hand. “Obviously, the moment he laid eyes on you, he was a lost cause.”

Jim’s smile slipped. “Or was. I just…I really don’t know what to think.”

“I don’t know much, I suppose, Jim, but what I do know is that boy loves you. I can see it in his eyes. I recognize it because it’s just how I used to look at George. He’ll come around, honey. He will. Some things are just meant to be.” He tried to smile again, but it faltered a little, so he took a sip of tea, trying to ignore the burn in his throat as he swallowed.


	4. Chapter 4

“One thing’s for sure.”

“What’s that?” Jim eyed Bones, questioningly.

“I can’t believe it took you this long to see someone.” Bones sighed as he ran his medical scanner over Jim. “Never did have much sense.”

“It’s just a few contusions, Bones,” Jim said wearily.

He should have gone right to bed, really, but as he saw his mother off to her transport after dinner at Giuseppe’s, she made him promise he’d at least have Bones check him out. She was on her way again, back to her ship and her duties, and Jim had been lucky she’d been able to spare as much time as she had to see him.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” his friend grumbled.

The last few days he’d been surviving on adrenaline really. Certainly no sleep. But it was starting to catch up with him. He was leaning on Bones as his friend scanned him.

He’d been running around, crazy, ignoring all injuries since he and Sulu had made it down to Nero’s drill on Vulcan. It started there and got worse and worse. Now he was pretty sure half his inability to breathe properly was likely because he had some cracked ribs. The human body could only take so much, after all. And Jim’s could take more than most. Or he made himself anyway.

“That’s it, I’m checking you into the hospital.”

Jim blinked his eyes open and straightened. “What? Just from a couple of bruises and maybe a cracked rib or two?”

“Five cracked ribs, genius. And a cracked skull.”

“Huh?”

“That head of yours might be hard, but you’ve still managed to damage it. I want you in a hospital bed at least overnight so I can monitor you, and make sure you actually sleep. When was the last time, anyway?”

“Uh. The morning of the distress signal.”

“That’s what I thought. I don’t know how you’re still on your feet.”

“Sheer will,” Jim admitted.

“All that strangling damaged your larynx too. It needs rest. You need rest. Damn it, Jim.”

“I’m too exhausted to fight you, Bones. Do what you will with me.”

Bones shook his head. “You’ve got a wound on your left leg I don’t like the looks of, either.”

“Uh. Yeah. Monster number two.”

“What?”

Jim sighed. “You know, when Spock got pissed because I didn’t agree with his methods and decisions on the ship, he had me kicked off to Delta Vega.”

“I remember, yeah. Always did say he was an asshole, Jim.”

He waved wearily at that. “Anyway, the point is, there were these giant monster things there. The first one pretty much chased me around until I about had a heart attack, but the second one—”

“Monster number two.”

“Yeah. It managed to get a hold of my leg before Ambassador Spock got me away from it. It hurt. But I kind of have had to ignore it ever since.”

Bones stared at him silently for a while.

“What?”

“I don’t know.” Bones sighed. “There were just a few times you almost got killed thanks to him. And I know, he wasn’t himself.”

“He wasn’t. Bones, his whole planet was destroyed. He lost family, friends.”

“Uh-huh. So his reaction to that was to maroon the guy he’s supposed to love on some ice planet, possibly forever, if something happened to the Enterprise, or the space station on Delta Vega, and then when he finally gets that same guy, he’s supposed to love, back he tried to choke him to death.”

“Bones,” Jim whispered, shaking his head. He didn’t have the strength or even will-power to defend Spock just then. Wasn’t even sure he believed Spock deserved a defense.

“I’ll drop it for now,” Bones replied. He squeezed Jim’s shoulder gently. “Let’s get you admitted and into a hospital bed. Someone needs to take care of you and it looks like it’s going to be me.”

Jim smiled. A tired smile, but a smile nevertheless. Just as Bones began to help him down from the examination table, an ensign appeared.

“Oh. There you are, sir.” The ensign practically saluted.

“At ease,” Jim said, amused.

“Admiral Bennett would like to see you, sir.”

Bones snorted. “Admiral Bennett’s going to have to wait.”

The ensign looked shocked as he stared at Bones. “Sir?”

“ _Captain_ Kirk is being admitted to the hospital. You tell that to Bennett.”

“Bones, maybe I should—”

“Nope. Not this time, Jim. Doctor’s orders.” Jim nodded, took a step, then pitched forward onto the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

He’d awakened in a bed, a hospital one, sometime later, and Bones had fussed over him like the mother-hen he seemed to be to Jim. And Bones had declared he’d changed his mind, and for a moment, Jim had got hopeful maybe he would somehow avoid the hospital after all, only to find out, that no, Bones actually meant he wanted Jim to stay in the hospital at least two nights instead of the original planned one.

Again, Jim was too exhausted and pain-wracked, and perhaps more than a little sad, to argue with his best friend, and so, with an admittedly strained smile, Jim accepted it, and waited for Bones to return with some food.

He’d been staring toward the window of whatever floor his room was on for so long, wondering if his life would ever be the same again, and guessing not, when movement caught his eye and he turned his head back toward the door of his room, expecting it to be Bones with a tray of hospital food guaranteed to turn most people’s stomachs, but Jim had learned never to be fussy with food.

But it was not Bones. Or any of his friends from the Academy, as might have been his second guess.

Instead it was the older Spock, the Ambassador, who had entered his room. And Jim couldn’t have been more surprised, as he was certain he would never see the old Vulcan again.

“Spock.”

The slightest of smiles as the old man approached Jim’s bed. “Jim. I am quite sorry to see you’ve been admitted to the hospital.”

He smiled in return. “Well. Blame Bones. He insisted.”

“It is fortunate someone has your best interests. I should have insisted myself when I saw you earlier. You were clearly in danger of collapse.”

“I don’t know about that.”

Spock shook his head. “But I do, since you did, in fact, collapse.”

“What are you doing here? I thought you had somewhere to be.”

“I have completed the task that I believed to be pertinent and I will be departing Earth for the new colony first thing in the morning.” He perched himself lightly on the bed, neatly folding his hands in front of him. “A few hours now, as I suppose it is already morning, since it has just passed midnight. I apologize for the late visit, and for disturbing any attempt you made to rest.”

“I woke up, I guess, and anyway, Bones is bringing me a little something to eat. I had an early dinner with Mom before she had to leave. But I don’t want you to miss rest just to come see me.”

“Vulcans need less sleep than Humans. And I will rest on the shuttle. You need not concern yourself with my well-being, Jim. It is you I am concerned over.”

Jim shook his head. “Nah, likewise. Don’t be concerned. I’m okay.”

He pursed his lips. “And Spock? Have you seen him?”

“No. Not since I saw him at HQ.” Jim scrunched his face up. “Whenever that was. He’s busy with his folks.” Jim paused. “Your folks, I guess. And getting ready to go to the colony like you, I’m sure.”

“Hmm.”

Jim smirked. “I don’t like that hmm. What does it mean?”

“I cannot say.”

“Don’t give me that ‘that’s for me to know and you to find out’ nonsense.” Jim sighed. “You sure are cryptic.”

“Out of necessity, Jim.”

It was at that moment, Bones came into the room with the expected food tray. “Now, we have…oh.” Bones squinted at Ambassador Spock. “Kind of late for a visitor.”

“Bones.”

“No, he is correct, Jim. I only wished to ensure you were receiving adequate care for myself and to find out of there would be anything you needed prior to my departure.” He stood. “But you are in the quite capable hands of Dr. McCoy.”

He frowned, glaring at Bones. “You don’t have to leave.”

“In fact, I do. And I am certain that both myself and Dr. McCoy want to see you get the much needed rest and recovery that you’ve been lacking.” He moved closer to Jim, reaching for Jim’s hand and holding onto it for a minute or so. “Do not let the admiralty bully you, Jim. They will attempt it, I assure you.”

Jim smiled. “I know.”

“And do not give up on Spock, Jim.”

At this his smile dropped, just a little. “Can I ask you something before you leave? I mean again. Obviously. You know since I already did before.”

“I am listening.”

“Did you…” Jim stopped, looked at Bones pointedly. Bones sighed and walked to the other side of the room, still holding the tray. “Did you ever get so mad at him that you…”

“Tried to strangle him to death?”

Jim swallowed heavily. “Yeah.”

“Yes,” Spock said simply.

Jim waited for more, but the old Vulcan did not continue. He opened his mouth to ask for additional information, but Ambassador Spock held up his hand.

“I thought I had killed him, and actually, was prepared to accept whatever punishment there was for me, but he was not dead, and he forgave me what occurred. I was not myself.” He paused, looked thoughtful, but did not continue.

“Okay.”

“There was also a time when he emotionally compromised me as required by the mission, and I fought with him.” Here the old man blushed.

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

“We feel very deeply, Jim.”

He squeezed Spock’s hand, which still held his. “Have a safe trip. And keep in touch if you want. All right?”

“I shall.”

And then he was gone, and Jim felt bereft again.

Bones walked over with the tray, looking sympathetic instead of cranky for a change. “Just some toast with peanut butter on it. Nothing too heavy until breakfast.”

Jim took it, gratefully, already biting into it. “Thanks. I mean I ate dinner, but I think I was too agitated to eat much or enjoy it.”

“Things okay with your mom?”

“Oh yeah. It’s just…everything.” Jim sighed. “I was supposed to go to a memorial for those that died because of Nero, including Gaila, and I just…it’s tomorrow.”

“I know, Jim. I get it. But you need to take care of yourself, no one is going to do it for you.” Bones grimaced. “Except me.”

“This is good.” He waved the peanut butter toast at Bones. “Thanks, Doc.”

“You’re welcome. Eat that, and then back down you go to sleep. Got that?”

“I got it.”


	6. Chapter 6

In the morning, when he woke, on a tray directly in front of him, Jim found a cup of hazelnut coffee, his favorite, fixed just the way he liked it, with oodles of cream. Upon reaching for it, Jim realized it was still hot, so using his Sherlock Holmes deductions–he loved to read, okay–he knew that meant whoever brought it for him had been there very recently.

It was not hospital coffee.

Next to it, neatly wrapped in a napkin, was a cheese pastry, also his favorite.

That meant that one of two people had left it for him.

Bones.

Or Spock.

Normally, in these circumstances, with Spock avoiding him as perfectly as only Spock could do, Jim would have put his money on Bones. But the coffee place where he especially liked the hazelnut coffee was near the apartment he shared with Spock, or had, because most recently Spock had not come home, but in any case, this coffee was from there. And the cheese pastry from the bakery also near the apartment.

And Bones loved him and all, but Jim just didn’t see him going that far out of his way when he could have simply stopped at the nearest coffee and bakery by him or even by the hospital.

No.

This had Spock all over it.

Which meant Spock had come to see him but hadn’t bothered to stay to make sure he was awake for the visit.

And he loved Spock. He did. More than anyone in his life, past or present, but the damn Vulcan could be the biggest pain in the ass.

He tore off some pastry and stuffed it in his mouth, moaning at the goodness of it all.

“Morning, Jim, I brought your…” Bones stopped just inside the doorway of the hospital room. He held a hospital tray full of scary looking hospital food. He frowned. “Where’d that come from?”

“Spock was here.”

“Again?”

Jim shook his head. “Not the old one. _My_ Spock. My, uh, former Spock, I-I guess.”

“He brought you breakfast?”

“Seems like it. Only you and him know of my love for this stuff so if it’s not you, it’s him.” Jim sighed. “He was here recently too cause the coffee is hot still.”

Bones looked down at his tray. “What am I supposed to do with this crap?”

“Help yourself to the coffee. It’s probably weak anyway. You like it weak.”

His friend grimaced.

“Bring the rest to me. I’ll eat that too. I’m hungry.”

Bones removed the coffee from the tray and chucked it into the trash and then brought the tray over. “You look better this morning. Sleep well?”

Jim took a second to think about it. “Yeah. Actually. Really well. Which is odd. I don’t think I had any dreams.”

“Good, you need the rest. I’ll keep you one more night and then tomorrow you can be released.”

“I can probably be released today.”

Bones smiled. “Yeah? Where did you get your medical license?”

“Bones—”

“Don’t you Bones me. I’m not budging on this, Jim.”

Jim sighed and picked up the rest of his pastry. “They’re having that memorial today.”

“Yeah? The one for the fallen? ”

“Right. Uhura told me. And I think everyone expects me to be there.” Jim finished off the pastry and reached for the scrambled eggs. “I was going to go.”

“Ah. Well. I’ll go in your stead.”

“Bones—“

“I’m not kidding around here, Jim. As I told you last night, someone has to take care of you. And it’s obviously not going to be you and it’s not going to be what’s-his-name. So that leaves me.”

“What’s-his-name just lost his planet and many family members, friends, and colleagues.”

“I know that. And I cut him some slack because of that. I do. But I also watched him nearly strangle you to death. He ought to be up on court martial charges.”

“No way.”

Bones sighed. “I know. I said he ought to be. I know he won’t be. I get it. He wasn’t himself. But that doesn’t mean I can easily ignore what he did to you. Or that he hasn’t done anything to repair what happened. And a coffee and a pastry doesn’t cut it. Not in my book.”

Jim smiled faintly. “I know.”

“Eat your breakfast. And then maybe you can have visitors.”

“Are there people waiting to see me?” Jim thought about it. “Other than like admirals for official business that is.”

“There are those too. But those I told to get lost. They can have you when you’ve been discharged. No, real people. One of them is Pike’s wife.”

“Number One?”

Bones snorted. “Yeah. Wants to thank you for rescuing her hubby from the Romulan ship. But not until you eat. Then I’ll start sending them in. But keep it all brief. I want you to sleep some more.”

“Bossy SOB,” Jim muttered under his breath as Bones turned away.

“What was that?”

“Oh. I said this all looks good.” Jim batted his eyelashes.

“Hmm.”

When Bones left, Jim picked up the coffee and took a sip. It was probably crazy, but he could even smell Spock on the cup. And the more he thought about it, the more he thought, maybe he woke in the night, and saw…something. Someone in a chair nearby. Spock maybe? Jim didn’t know, and it was so vague he might have imagined it anyway. He touched his face, almost feeling Spock’s fingers on his cheek. Surely not, though. Spock spend the night in a chair by his side? Helping him sleep? And then bringing him coffee and a pastry? His favorites.

Maybe the way Spock used to be.

But now? It didn’t seem at all likely.

Jim shook his head and reached for the tapioca pudding.


	7. Chapter 7

It seemed brighter out in the daylight then Jim had anticipated when he snuck out of the hospital. He wished he had swiped a pair of sunglasses along with the loose fitting scrubs he had borrowed. Really. He fully intended to bring them back once the memorial service had concluded.

He’d managed to escape his room after his brief, awkward visit with Number One. She’d thanked him for saving Pike, Jim was embarrassed, and then she left. Thankfully. He had nothing against her, but he didn’t feel like he deserved thanks for any of it. Not really. He could be all full of bravado in front of the admirals or a crowd of his peers. Sure. But faced with her, alone, thanking him with tears in her eyes? He couldn’t wait for her to leave.

It had been surprisingly easy to secure the scrubs to wear out of the hospital. And if luck was with him, Jim would be back in the hospital bed without Bones ever being the wiser.

As it happened, though, luck was seldom with Jim.

And as he approached the campus area where the memorial was to be held, he heard an exclamation.

“Captain!”

Of course, it had to be Uhura.

Jim turned and plastered on a smile. “Hey, Lieutenant.”

“What are you wearing?”

“Scrubs, I think they’re called.”

She wore her dress uniform. She frowned at him. “I heard you were in the hospital.”

“Er. Well. I’m not right now. I didn’t want to miss this.”

Uhura pursed her lips. “I’ll go tell Spock you’re here.”

“What? Oh. No. No. Don’t do that.”

“But he’s just on the other side of the quad, Captain. I’m sure he wants to know you’re here.”

“Really. Don’t bother. I’m just here to observe and I’ll be gone in a flash. Thank you, Lieutenant.”

She opened her mouth to say something else, closed it, and then shrugged. “Okay. And can I say, you don’t look so good.” She paused at his raised eyebrows. “Sir.”

He watched her walk away to join other officers on the other side of the memorial, presumably close to Spock’s position. Jim stayed on the outskirts, not wanting to be seen or involved, but feeling as though it would be wrong not to be there.

He’d known most of the dead pretty well, though not all. And then there was Gaila. When he’d first shown up at the Academy, before Spock and all that, she had befriended him. They’d had a very brief fling, nothing serious to either of them, because shortly after Jim had met and become involved, very much so, with Spock.

He was sorry at the loss of so many of his fellow cadets, but he was especially sorry about her.

“ _Jim_.”

Jim stiffened and decided not to turn around. “Uh. Hi, Bones.”

“Don’t you hi me. What the hell are you doing?”

“Attending the memorial.” Jim glanced at his friend when Bones came to stand next to him. “I’m going right back, I promise.”

“You’re the biggest fool I’ve ever met. Did you know that?”

He smiled faintly. “Yeah.”

Bones sighed. “I’ll escort you back myself. You have no sense at all.”

“I’m going to be captain to a lot of those who are left, Bones. It’s important.”

Bones hooked an arm through Jim’s. “I’ll bring you closer. But then as soon as the last word is said, back you go.”

“Absolutely. Thank you.”

“Should have brought you in a wheelchair.”

Which of course Jim hadn’t wanted.

He allowed Bones to lead him closer though, deliberately not letting his gaze stray to the other side of the quad where Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov stood. He was pretty sure he’d see Spock. He did think he spotted Amanda and Sarek out of the corner of his eye.

Jim just didn’t know if he was yet strong enough to have the conversation with Spock where he likely would say his final goodbyes before going off to find a colony. Jim dreaded it. So much.

He hadn’t believed in forever until he met Spock. And when he had, when they’d become them, Jim had believed.

That was over.

He didn’t believe in anything now.

“He’s there, you know,” Bones said softly.

“I know. Uhura told me.”

“He keeps looking this way.”

Jim had nothing to say to that. “It’s starting.”

And then it did. The memorial went on for about an hour.

Jim turned to leave with Bones immediately.

“I think his parents are trying to get your attention, Jim.”

“Let’s just go.”

“Are you sure—?”

“Yeah. I’m tired. Really tired.”

Somehow Bones got him back to the hospital without any run-ins and into his bed. Out of the scrubs too and back in a hospital gown.

“I’ve a mind to make you stay here an additional night due to your reckless disregard for yourself,” Bones growled at him, tucking the blankets around him.

“Bones.”

“The doctor is correct. You should have stayed in bed,” Spock spoke from the doorway of Jim’s room.

Both Jim and Bones stiffened. Jim felt his face heat and knew he was flushed. Bones squeezed his arm and turned toward Spock.

“About time.”

Spock showed no reaction and continued to stand where he was.

Bones looked at Jim. “Hungry?”

Jim nodded, his gaze on Bones instead of Spock.

“I’ll bring you something. You okay with…”

Jim sighed. “Yeah, it’s okay.”

Bones brushed by Spock as he exited the room. Jim didn’t look but he could still tell that Spock hadn’t come any further into the room.

He closed his eyes and laid his head back down on the pillow. Only a moment later he felt cool fingertips on his forehead.

He opened his eyes and gazed into dark chocolate brown ones.

“Hi.”


	8. Chapter 8

“You were not honest with me regarding your physical state.”

Jim shrugged. “You had enough to deal with.”

“Nevertheless, I should have been informed.”

He looked away from Spock, because just then he felt almost stupidly shy. Which probably was a little crazy. “Why is that?”

Spock took a long time to reply to that. Not especially long for others, but long for Spock. He seldom struggled for words, generally speaking his mind.

“We are engaged in a relationship,” was his quiet reply.

Jim’s gaze flitted back to Spock. “Are-are we? Still?”

“Explain.”

“Well.” Jim ran his hand down his chest over his heart. He noted that Spock followed his every move. “I guessed perhaps given the way things went down between us on the Enterprise—”

“You speak of my marooning you on Delta Vega.”

“No.” Jim shook his head. “I know I was insubordinate. Although you wouldn’t listen _at all_.”

“I was angry.”

“Yeah, I know. But even though, sure, I almost got eaten by two monsters down there—” Jim paused, admittedly happy to see Spock wince—“but I met the other you who helped the situation quite a bit, so no, I wasn’t talking about that.”

“My emotional compromise.”

“Mm.” Jim fell silent.

“I do not blame you for your reticence. I did physically assault you.”

“Because I deliberately antagonized you.”

“Still, I am certain you did not expect the level of my violence.”

Jim couldn’t deny that, not really, so he didn’t. He looked away again. “When I was a little boy, my stepfather used to hurt me. My mom got rid of him, when she knew, but it wasn’t always easy.”

“Jim, I—”

“I know you’re nothing like Frank. I know that, Spock. But up until that moment, you had never ever hurt me, and I guess when I set out to emotionally compromise you, it hadn’t occurred to me that-that you could get that way…with me. I expected you to flip out a little, sure, that was the point. But if your dad hadn’t yelled, you might have actually…”

“Killed you.”

“Maybe. Yeah. And I’m still a little uneasy with that.”

Spock nodded. It was his turn to look away. “You wish to end our relationship.”

“No. But don’t you?”

“No.”

“Spock, look at me. It’s okay.”

Spock did then, though there was a tremendous amount of sorrow there.

“I know under ordinary circumstances you are not an abuser. I know that. And nothing about any of that was ordinary. But I also know that you and your whole family want to help with finding a colony for Vulcan, and considering all that, if you’re leaving, it makes sense that our relationship ends. Doesn’t it?”

He didn’t give a verbal reply, but he did nod.

Jim rubbed his chest again. His whole soul ached right now really. But his chest was a place he could concentrate right now, over his heart.

“Who am I to interfere? I’m going to be on the Enterprise. And you’re going to be where you need to be. Sometimes life just doesn’t work out the way we expected. That’s the way it goes. The time we’ve had together has been the best ever. It has. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to love you for a long time. But you’re needed elsewhere.”

Spock pursed his lips, but said nothing. He leaned over, though, and placed a chaste kiss on Jim’s forehead. “I-I have to…”

Jim nodded. “I know.”

The Vulcan turned then and left the hospital room without another word. Jim stared at the now empty doorway. It would have been nice to get even a slight argument from Spock, that Jim was wrong, they’d stay together through anything, or even a declaration of undying love from Spock, but Jim should have known better. Those kinds of things happened to other people.

A few minutes later, Bones came in bearing a tray of food. None of it looked like hospital food, Jim noted. There was a hamburger and fries, carrot cake, and a chocolate shake.

He frowned. “Where did this all come from?”

“Went out and got it.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “Thanks. Thanks, Bones.”

“Listen, Jim. Are you all right?”

He smiled. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Bones made a face and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I saw Spock leave. Things didn’t look good.”

“Oh. That. It’s, um, it’s over.” He shrugged.

“I’m sorry, Jim.”

“Sorry?” Jim laughed. “I thought you’d be happy or at least say I told you so.”

“I don’t ever want you to be hurt.”

“I know.” His smile fell away. “But I knew it would never last, right? I mean what would a Vulcan see in someone like me? I’m as illogical as they come, Bones. We both know that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you at all, Jim.”

He looked at the food. “This looks great, Bones. Thank you. I’m sure this is against some kind of regulation.”

Bones smiled, squeezed Jim’s arm. “Probably. Eat. And I’ll come back and check on you in a bit.”

Jim took a big bite to show Bones he was eating. Then he put it back on the plate when Bones was gone. Closed his eyes.

“Bye, Spock.”


	9. Chapter 9

_“Don’t move! Hold on! Computing gravitational pull and…gotcha!” Chekov exclaimed._

_Jim slammed hard onto the transporter pad, Sulu right there with him. Sulu blinked at him, then turned to Chekov._

_“Thanks.”_

_Even as he and Sulu moved to get up, the doors of the room opened and Spock rushed in._

_“Clear the pad.”_

_Jim stepped down as Spock stepped up. “Wait. Spock. What are you doing? Are you going down there? Are you nuts? You can’t do that!”_

_“Watch me.”_

_Jaw tightening, Jim jumped back onto the pad next to Spock. “Then I’m going too.”_

_“There is no time to argue, Jim.”_

_“Then don’t.”_

_Spock gave a short nod. “Energize.”_

_They reappeared on Vulcan and before Jim could even think about what Spock planned, he was grabbing Jim’s arm and dragging him toward some ancient looking dwelling._

_“The Katric ark,” was all Spock said._

_The ground beneath them shook violently. Jim ducked falling debris._

_There surrounding artifacts were Spock’s parents and several Vulcan elders._

_“Spock! Jim!” Amanda exclaimed._

_“The planet only has seconds left. We must evacuate now. Mother now!”_

_They ran for it, running out of the dwelling, Spock holding on to his mother the entire way. Right next to Jim a giant statue broke apart and landed on the Vulcan running beside him._

_Outside, Spock pulled out his communicator. “Spock to Enterprise. Get us out now.”_

_“Locking on you,” Chekov’s voice. “Don’t move. Stay right where you are now.”_

_Jim felt the ground falling away. Eyes wide, he saw that Amanda was right on the edge._

_“Shit!”_

_“No!” Spock yelled._

_Jim lunged at her, arms ensnaring her waist just as Spock lost his grip on her. The transporter activated and Jim watched as the others disappeared._

_“Jim,” Amanda cried._

_“Hang on.” They began to fall as Jim desperately clawed for the edge of the cliff. “Don’t let go.”_

_“Jim! I…”_

_Suddenly he felt his particles breaking up and a moment later he reappeared on the transporter, arms tightly around Amanda. She clung to him._

_“Oh, oh my.”_

_“Hey,” Jim whispered. “You’re safe. I’ve got you.”_

_****_

_“Have you confirmed that Nero is headed for Earth?” Spock asked Uhura._

_“Their trajectory suggests no other destination, Captain.”_

_“Earth may be his next destination, but we have to assume every Federation planet is a target,” Jim said, sitting in the captain’s chair._

_“Out of the chair,” Spock said curtly._

_“If the Federation is a target, why not destroy us?” Chekov asked._

_Sulu glanced at him. “Why would they? Why waste the weapons? We aren’t a threat.”_

_“No,” Spock replied. “He wanted me to see the destruction of my home planet.”_

_Bones brushed past Jim to speak up. “How the hell did they do that? Where did the Romulans get that kind of weaponry?”_

_“The engineering comprehension necessary to artificially create a black hole may suggest an answer. Such technology could theoretically be manipulated to create a tunnel through space-time.”_

_“Damn it, man. I’m a doctor, not a physicist. Are you actually suggesting those Romulans are from the future?”_

_“If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”_

_“Then, what would an angry future Romulan want with Captain Pike?” Jim asked. “What we need to do is catch up to that ship. Disable it, take it over, and get Pike back.”_

_“A rescue attempt would be illogical. We are outmatched in every way.”_

_Chekov shook his head. “The ship would have to drop out of warp for us to overtake him.”_

_“Then, we assign engineering crew to try and boost our warp gear.”_

_“Remaining power and crew are focused on repairing radiation leaks on the lower decks.”_

_“Spock, there’s got to be some way.”_

_He shook his head. “We must gather with the rest of Starfleet to balance the terms of the next engagement.”_

_Jim sighed in frustration. “There won’t be a next engagement because by the time we’ve gathered, it’ll be too late. If you say he’s from the future, he knows what’s going to happen, so the logical thing is to be unpredictable.”_

_“You are assume that Nero knows how events are predicted to unfold. To the contrary, his very presence has altered the flow of history, beginning with the attack on the USS Kelvin, and culminating in the events of today. Thereby creating an entire new chain of events that cannot be anticipated by either party. Whatever our lives might have been, our destinies have changed. Mr. Sulu, plot a course to the Laurentian system warp factor three.”_

_“Spock, no,” Jim pleaded. “Running back to the rest of the fleet is a massive waste of time.”_

_“Captain Pike issued orders when he left…”_

_“He also ordered us to go back and get him. Spock, you’re captain now. You have to be…”_

_“I am aware of my responsibilities, Mr. Kirk.”_

_“Every second we waste, Nero is getting closer to his next target. I will not allow us to go backwards instead of hunting Nero down!”_

_Spock’s jaw clenched as he glared at Jim. “Security, get him off the bridge.”_

_The security guards bore down on Jim, who struck one in the face._

_“Jim,” Bones cried. “No.”_

_Spock approached Jim, hand out, Jim shook his head._

_“Get him off this ship.”_

“Jim, wake up. Sweetheart, wake up.”

Jim gasped and sat up straight.

Amanda smiled. “There you are. Back with me?”

Jim looked around the hospital room, breathing heavily.

“Deep breath, Jim. Let it out. Inhale, exhale. There you go.” She squeezed his hand. He hadn’t realized she was holding it. “Better?”

Jim nodded, swallowing.

“Bad one?”

“A memory dream.”

She perched herself on the edge of his bed. “You said my name. Spock’s too.”

“I was dreaming of when I rescued you before Vulcan was destroyed,” Jim admitted. “And after.”

“Understandable. Humans have to process these things somehow, don’t we? I’ve had a few uneasy dreams lately myself.” She paused. “Some where you were not there and I fell to my death.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It is no matter. You haven’t been taking care of yourself. Here you are in the hospital.”

“I’m being released today.”

“So I have been told. You’ll come stay with us, of course.”

Jim shook his head. “No.”

“Now, Jim. There’s no point in arguing with me.”

“I agree. Amanda, I guess you haven’t heard, but, uh, Spock and I aren’t…we’re not together anymore.”

“What?” Her hands went to her face. “You-you broke up with him?”

“Huh? No. No. He…well, I mean. Sorta. But he was going to…”

“Spock wouldn’t have ended your relationship,” she insisted. “He loves you.”

“Maybe he did once. But he woke up.” Jim paused. “Or I did. Whichever. The point is, Amanda, the events surrounding everything Nero did, well, it-it was too much for Spock. He’s resigned from Starfleet.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Pike told me. Not Spock. And he’s going to go help with the Vulcan colony.” He moistened his lips with his tongue. “I can’t even blame him.”

“Well, I can. None of this makes any sense, Jim.”

“How can it not? I’m sorry. I am. I really really wanted us to be a-a family for-forever, but it’s just, it’s not going to happen. Sometimes love doesn’t survive something like this. And it hasn’t now. I mean, I’m always going to care about him. So much. But surely you can see that it _does_ make sense.”

Amanda stood. “What I’m going to do is bring Spock here.”

“Please don’t.”

“Jim…”

“Please?” He pleaded with her. “This is all hard enough on him as it is. He’s lost so much and I don’t want to add anything else to his pain. So, please, don’t bother him. Okay? Not about me.”

She bit her lip and Jim could tell she wanted very much to argue with him. But instead she sighed, and nodded, then moved forward to give him an all too brief hug.

As she pulled back she said, “Are you sure you don’t want to come home with me?”

He smiled. It was forced. “I’m sure. I’ve got the apartment. I’ll be fine until the Enterprise goes out.”

“Okay.” Amanda walked to the door of his room. Then turned to fix him with her motherly stare. “And I don’t care what you say or think, Jim. I know my son. He loves you.” 

As soon as she left, Jim got out of bed and got ready to leave. Bones had said he’d be by later in the day to release him, but Jim figured he was okay to release now. He didn’t need Bones mothering him anymore than he’d needed Amanda. He was going to be fine on his own. He’d been that way before and had lived through it.

The hover cab pulled up in front of his apartment building. Jim’s hand went to his throat.

_“Come on, Spock. Your whole planet was just destroyed. We barely rescued your parents. Some of the elders we tried to help died. Your own grandmother was killed. You have to feel something about all of that. You’re not a robot despite what others say.”_

_“I will not allow you to goad me into some emotional outburst.”_

_“Are emotions so shameful? Do you even love me? Spock, your mother is human. Don’t you feel love for her? She’s got to be devastated and you’ve not even said one word to her since you came back to the ship. I’m starting to wonder if you even love her or anybody. Maybe they’re right. You aren’t even upset. Did you see his ship? Did you see what he did?”_

_“Yes, of course.”_

_“You’ve said before that fear is necessary for command. Are you afraid or not?”_

_“I will also not allow you to lecture me on the merits of emotions.”_

_“Then why don’t you stop me, Spock? What is it like not to feel heartbreak or anger? Does it even compute to you how close you came to losing her? Losing both of us?”_

_“Back away from me,” Spock said coldly._

_“You don’t love her!”_

“Mister, we’re here.”

Jim realized the cab driver had been trying to get his attention for a while.

“Oh. Thanks.” Jim smiled. Hit the pay with his credit chip, added a tip, and got out of the cab. He stood on the sidewalk, watching it leave.

_Nothing lasts forever, except memories._

He entered the building, walked up the stairs instead of the lift, and then headed to the third floor where his apartment was.

He swiped his hand across the scanner and the door popped open. He was about to take out his communicator to let Bones know he’d left the hospital when he saw someone standing by the sliding glass door to the balcony.

Jaw dropping open, Jim stared at the broad back, clad in a charcoal gray sweater. “Spock?”

Spock turned then to face him. He looked…wrecked. Dark eyes wet. Something was clutched in his hand though Jim could not see what it was.

“Ashaya,” he whispered. 


	10. Chapter 10

“Spock…what are you doing here?” It was the only thing Jim could think of to say and yet the words sounded wrong. His gaze dropped to the thing Spock held in his hand. “What’s that?”

Spock looked down at his fist, loosening it as he did so. “A…locket.”

Jim took a step forward, an automatic movement, because Spock was in distress. He hated to see Spock upset. “Are you…are you all right?”

“As I understand the question,” Spock said slowly. “The answer is no.”

“What’s wrong?”

Spock blinked rapidly and held out his hand toward Jim, the hand that held the locket, attached to a heavy ornate chain. “I was given this.”

Jim frowned. “By?”

Spock shook his head, his gaze unfocused. “My counterpart. I should…I will send it back. He should have it.”

“Spock, you aren’t making any sense.”

“There is a recording of his…bondmate on it. His T’hy’la.”

“He used that word the other day,” Jim whispered.

“For?”

His frown deepened. “Me.”

But Spock only nodded. “Yes. You. Because you are my T’hy’la. Just as you were, your counterpart was, for him.”

“Okay. But what is that?”

“There are no standard words that can explain it properly.” His fingers closed over the locket that Jim had not touched, and he drew his hand back. “The closest would be, perhaps, a soulmate.”

At that Jim laughed, which drew Spock’s surprise gaze to him.

“Sorry. I just…there’s nothing funny here. I get that. It’s just the idea that I would be anyone’s soulmate is really absurd let alone yours. I think we just, we were super attracted to each other physically, and then we fell in love because we like so many of the same things and we were both in Starfleet. Soulmates suggest some kind of pre-destiny and that’s way too much pressure to put on you. I don’t know what their relationship was before us, Spock. I know they were together because of some of the things he showed me and what he told me. But you don’t have to think you have to stick with me because of something they had or believed.”

“I felt it myself.”

“You…what?”

“Jim, there is nothing I can ever say or do to make up for my actions against you on the Enterprise.”

“You weren’t yourself.”

“That can and does not provide me any excuse. I allowed my emotions to overwhelm my sense of self, to overrule logic, and even my affection for you. That is hardly the actions of a logical Vulcan or even an appropriate Starfleet officer.”

“Well.” Jim took another tentative step toward Spock. “You’re human too. And that was…a lot to deal with. For anyone.”

This time he placed his hand on Spock’s arm, the one not holding the locket.

“When I think of my actions, I feel nothing but shame.” Spock exhaled long and slow. “I have felt that you and I were more than mere lovers, when we-we touched, but I never thought to analyze it closer in any way, because…”

When he didn’t continue, Jim figured he could probably guess the reason. “It was hard for you to think that what you and I had rose to the level of such serious lifetime commitment.”

The fast blink again. Jim thought, nailed that.

“Why are you here?” Jim asked again. “I thought, well, that we had said pretty much all there was to say. You’ve left Starfleet. You’re going to join the colonists, aren’t you?”

“I am here because my mother advised that she had gone to see you in the hospital and—”

“I told her not to.”

“She made it clear that you were under a number of misconceptions.”

Several heartbeats passed.

“Was I?” He realized he still had his hand on Spock’s arm but he didn’t release it. In fact, he curled his fingers around the soft yarn of the sweater.

“Jim, I…” Spock’s gaze strayed to the couch.

They’d chosen it together from a discount place a few blocks from the Academy. And why Jim thought about that day, he couldn’t say. But he’d been so hopeful then. So in love. Life was very much simpler that day.

“May we sit?”

Part of him wanted to say, no, just go and live your new life, but Jim would never let anyone call him a coward. Whatever this meant, he would hear it.

He nodded and finally removed his hand from Spock’s sleeve and walked over to sit on the couch. When Spock joined him there, he was somewhat surprised that Spock sat very close to him, as he always had, nearly on top of him, with no space between.

Spock looked at the nails of his hands, clutched in his lap. He looked there, anywhere, Jim supposed, but at him.

“When I refused to look too deeply into my deep affection for you, the feeling that we were very much more than we ought to be, as I had experienced, it was not at all a reflection upon you.”

“No?”

“As you are aware I had a brief relationship with Nyota when I first arrived. It was the most affection I had ever received from another besides my mother. As a child I was betrothed to T’Pring…”

“Yeah, you had told me.”

“We had no relationship and never spoke after the day our preliminary bond was set when we were children. But because of that, I had thought I was bonded to T’Pring, and so my belief that there was something much more tangible between you and me seemed…wishful thinking. I had never felt any such connection to Nyota and I had come to the conclusion that with you it was different because I had accepted the plain fact that I preferred males.”

“Okay.” Jim gave him an encouraging nod, though Spock still would not look at him.

“And then, more recently, I had become aware of rumors that T’Pring intended to end our bond as she had chosen the affections of someone else. I would not have fought her, for it was you I desired anyway.” Spock let out a little sigh of defeat. “T’Pring was among those who perished when Vulcan was destroyed.”

“Spock, I’m sorry.”

“We are both regretful that we could not have saved more occupants of Vulcan or the very planet itself, but there was nothing we could have done differently to alter the outcome Nero had orchestrated. Neither of us share any blame for that, Jim.”

Jim nodded, swallowed.

“And yet, as you aware, I was emotionally compromised. I almost lost my parents and you. I did lose my planet and many relatives and friends. I was not prepared for that. Nor for the loss of my captain to Nero. We train for such scenarios, I suppose, but no training can truly prepare you for it. I was filled with rage and a gaping hole within myself when I sent you away and it nearly cost your life.”

“Spock.”

Spock shook his head. Closed his eyes. “How is your leg?”

Jim placed his hand on Spock’s knee. “Look at me. Please.”

It took Spock several tries, but he finally managed to look at Jim. His eyes were very wet looking, though no tears actually fell.

“My leg is fine. My injuries will heal. I’m a lot better than I was. Bones released me. I’m okay. And I forgive you for sending me off the ship.”

“But—”

Jim reached for and received Spock’s hands. “You made a mistake, Spock. I know you aren’t used to making mistakes, but most of us humans make them frequently.”

“This mistake nearly cost you your life.”

“I know. But I think you learned your lesson that tossing me off the ship won’t work. I’ll find my way back.” He tried a smile.

“It is not funny.”

“Yeah. I don’t know how I would have acted in the same circumstances. You were under a lot of stress and my arguing with you was adding to it.”

“Yet you were right.”

“I know that too.” Jim chose not to add he knew it at the time, as well. This wasn’t about ‘I told you so’. “I forgive you. And someday you’ll forgive yourself.”

Spock moved his head and Jim knew his intention was to look away again, but Jim wouldn’t let him. All this was important. He put his hand up to Spock’s face, framing his jaw, and holding him there.

“When I…I lost complete control and irreparably harmed you—”

“I’m repaired.”

“Please. I need to finish saying all of this. Even before my father said my name, I…our connection burst into full life and I felt it, I knew that we shared a bond then, and even as I was reacting to that, my fingers still around your throat, I felt it…dying.”

“Spock,” Jim whispered.

“It could not stand the strain of what I, of all, would be doing to you, my T’hy’la. I nearly destroyed it even before I almost destroyed you.” Now a tear did fall from his eyes and onto his cheek. “I have never felt such utter and absolute shame and despondency. I should have taken my life rather than live with what I had done.”

“Spock, no.”

“I will not,” Spock said softly. “But the thought did occur, however briefly. It was for the harm I caused you that I thought leaving Starfleet and helping with the colony was for the best.”

“You didn’t even talk to me about it.”

“The shame.”

Jim shook his head and let go of Spock’s chin, returning his hand to rest upon Spock’s knee. “As I said, I’m not sure how I would have acted under those circumstances.”

“I am quite certain you would act as admirably as you always do.”

Jim laughed. “Wow. You are in love.”

“Jim—”

“Do I wish you had made different choices? Yeah. Starting with, I don’t know, you listened to what I had to say instead of instantly dismissing it. I get you didn’t want me to question you in front of everyone, but we could have talked privately. But okay, like I said, I knew you weren’t thinking like you in that moment. But if you hadn’t tossed me from the ship, I wouldn’t have met your counterpart or Scotty, and we wouldn’t have rescued Pike or saved Earth. So, whatever the reasons, it ended up being okay.”

“Jim—”

“No. This time, let me finish. I’m sorry for those things I had to say to you to get you to cede control of the ship to me. I had to make them really shitty and low and I regretted them even as I said them. I never want to hurt you. Ever. But…I won’t and can’t deny that your reaction was even more extreme than I had guessed it would be and the violence of it did scare me a little.”

Spock nodded, his Adam’s apple sliding down his throat

“But as I said before, I know you aren’t an abuser and that normally you would never raise a hand to me. I know you, Spock. I do.”

“If I had killed you…”

“You didn’t.”

“No. But my actions were unforgiveable. Even if you had not been my T’hy’la.”

Jim watched him for a moment. “But I am?”

“Yes. The ease of your meld with the elder me is explainable due to our connection.”

He eyed Spock. “You call that easy?”

Spock blew out a breath. “Not the contents of what he shared with you, no.”

“He told you?”

“Many things, that among them. I learned for certain you were my T’hy’la on the bridge, however, and yet he also confirmed it with his words and the locket he temporarily entrusted to me.”

“You never melded with me,” Jim pointed out. “I never really thought about why, but now, I can’t help but think about it.”

“I wish I had. Likely I would have discovered our true connection had I done so. Imposing such a thing on a strong, independent individual such as you, I thought…it was rather amazing to me that you were even willing to be with an anomaly such as me, I dared not think to subject you to melds you might find intrusive. The depth of my feelings for you was something I had never experienced and I wished to remain…cautious.”

“Spock, you aren’t an anomaly.”

“In fact, I am. That is something I have had to accept. However, if I had communicated more thoroughly with you when we were together, many of our misunderstandings and troublesome outcomes might have been avoided.”

“We both could have done better there.”

Spock shook his head. “There is nothing you have done wrong, Jim. You share no blame.”

Jim decided not to argue. He was tired of arguing. Tired of battles. And certainly tired of them with Spock. “What happens now? Are you going to the colony?”

“I cannot,” Spock said softly. “I have no desire to be parted from you. And as it happens I am not currently needed. My elder has already chosen a suitable planet for the colony. My parents intend to be a part of it, as well. And other Vulcans, who were fortunate not to be on the planet when it was destroyed, are also coming forward. Perhaps someday my assistance will be required in some way, but for now, I wish to do what feels right.”

Jim smiled slightly. “What feels right?”

“Advice from the Ambassador.”

He moved his hand from Spock’s knee, up his arm, and then down again, to trap Spock’s hand in his, rubbing their fingers together first. 

“You resigned though, right?”

“I have…withdrawn my resignation,” Spock replied. “Though I am not at all certain I will be allowed to serve on the Enterprise.”

Jim stared into his dark eyes. “It’ll work out.”

“Jim.”

“It will.”

Spock closed his eyes and hung his head. “I will be paying for the harm I have done you for a long time, ashayam. Anywhere you go, I will follow you. But I will spend the entirety of my life reassuring you that you are my priority and I will protect you.”

“I don’t need a protector, Spock. I need a partner.”

Spock opened his eyes and looked at Jim. “Perhaps both?”

“We’ll work on it,” Jim whispered. He moved even closer, though honestly there was no space between them to speak of, and he moved against Spock until the Vulcan’s arms, finally, at last, came around him.

It felt like he had never been hugged before, stupid he knew because he had, but it had been far too long since Spock had held him. He had thought Spock never would again.

“Taluhk nash-veh k’dular.”

“Yeah?”

“Very much so. For a while, I allowed myself to forget. I will never again.”

Jim leaned into Spock, softly kissing his lips. “I love you. I’ll always love you. I loved you before I knew what love was and I will love you when the universe no longer exists.” He kissed him again, then rested his forehead against Spock’s. “And I don’t know if pre-destiny is at play or soulmates or just because you’re you and I’m me, but I can’t and don’t want to escape the truth of it.”

“Then you will forgive me?”

“Yes, Spock. I forgive you.”

****

Jim sat in the captain’s chair, perhaps clutching the arms a little harder than he should, but he was there. He was captain. It was like a dream.

“Mr. Sulu, prepare to engage thrusters.”

Suddenly the turbolift opened. Jim turned the chair to see Spock walk onto the bridge.

“Permission to come aboard, Captain.”

Jim could hardly contain his smile. “Permission granted.”

Spock approached, to stand next to Jim. “Reporting as first office, sir.”

“Welcome aboard, Commander. It’s my honor. Mr. Sulu?”

Sulu grinned. “Thrusters on standby.”

Jim watched as Spock looked around the bridge, gaze resting briefly on a smiling Uhura, then returning to Jim, brown eyes soft and warm.

“Take us out.”

“Aye, Captain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the conclusion of my redo of the 2009 movie (ten years ago now). I am arrogant enough to decide I can write a better ending and romance. Ha. At least I saved Amanda.
> 
> There are some who believe, incorrectly, that I dislike Uhura. I do not. I have personally met Nichelle Nichols and adore her. And I like Zoe's Uhura (she is beautiful) just fine as long as she isn't paired with Spock. Just the way it is. Nothing personal against her. I try not to bash her most of the time and I do not think I did in this story. 
> 
> Anyway, that't the end of this one. I loved revisiting this story and thank you for reading, as usual.


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